I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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