drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
