Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
