Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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