Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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