So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
