Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
