I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
