after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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