Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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