I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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