I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
