seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
