went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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