I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
