Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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