There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
