cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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