the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
