Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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