you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
