in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
