Don't make out with my wife yet
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
