I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
