3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize