When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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