Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
