I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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