My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
