I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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