This dress was meant to end up on your floor
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
