Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
