and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
