I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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