forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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