john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
