just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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