just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
