I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Is Oprah even human
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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