You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
