I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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