WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
