I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
