He asked to "fluff my boner.."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
