I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
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