So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
