I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
