I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
