I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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