They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
