Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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