that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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