my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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