Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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